tooweak2beacure (tooweak2beacure) wrote,

  • Music:

Yeah, this post is about you.

I just have to keep telling myself, you'll be better this way. This is constantly on my mind, what happened is so not what I wanted to do for myself, but it's the best thing I could have done for you. I don't know how I missed the signs that started so long ago. I love you to no end, but I can't express it in a way you'll recognize.

For the past weeks I've been trying to make things good. Have good days, do good things, say sweet things. I knew the end was coming, I could see it in your face. It was only a matter of time and I couldn't take being strung on longer. I'm sorry everything seemed like your fault. I'm sorry for the way everything turned out. I'm angry that you're disconnecting from me so severely already, but we both need our time I guess. I wish you came to me with the problems like we promised in the beginning. We were engaged to be married. I envisioned so much for our future. I wanted to take you there. I lost my way, I forgot how to move forward, and I was quite literally stuck in time. I wish this were different. You were supposed to be the mother of my children. I was supposed to be your rock. I can't believe I could ever cause you such prolonged depression. Not even noticing the signs. I'm a fool. I guess I've been pretty shitty. I would love to give this a shot later when I become more capable of treating you right. But that's unrealistic. People separate. I see the way you look at me, and now you've shut me out for the time being and I can feel the red hot hate emminating from them and burning me. My realistic wish is that I don't end up on your list of awful ex's. I want the hole I left to be loved. I know I may have been awful(without ever realizing it) but I wish more than anything that realize my heart is in the right place. I had to call it off because I care about you. I love you. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

If you have a tumor you need to get it removed. And somehow, beyond everything I ever wanted, I became a tumor to you. I didn't want to make you ill. I didn't want to be an ass. Who does? But I love you. I mean it. I mean it in the way that you're a lovely lady. I also mean it in the way that if you truly love someone it's possible you have to let them go. I don't want to let you go. I so don't. I wanted to work through this flare up. Well, I thought it was a flare-up until I recently learned how far back your issues with me go. I wish you came to me. I do. I wish you slapped it in my face long ago that I was doing it wrong so I could have made it better. I really want to give this another shot after I learn how to be a normal person again. I can't wait to do good for myself. I can't wait for you to either. I'm happy I was able to get you where I did. Graduating highschool and starting college.

I feel like I swept you off your feet only to drop you on your head. So regrettable. I have no hard feelings at all. I'm heartbroken sure, but I don't feel any hate. "So let's face it, this is never what you wanted, but it's fun to pretend." -Dallas Green. It's so hard to know that no matter what I do to fix things, I'm still just plain and simple not what you want. maybe someday. maybe someday.

I can't believe I fucked up with the best girl in the world. So please, when your friends are hoo-rah'ing you for getting away from me, please stand up for me when appropriate. I wasn't the worst thing in the world. You agree'd to marry me for a reason. You did love something about me. don't let your support group take away all the good we had.

I love you, and I will forever. Like I promised. I"m sorry I forgot to show it.
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